A Royal Beat Down
by lacomptessa
Summary: Hibari was one thing, that giant octopus was another. But now, an expanding sponge turtle? Is it my destiny to get beat up at every turn? I call bull.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, all ye fuzzies! I'm happy to see you and I hope you'll be happy to have read this story. More chapters to come.

Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! (with an exclamation mark!) does not belong to me, else I would be a very rich man/woman/thing. At least, mentally. I don't actually know if Akira Amano is wealthy or not.

Rated T for swearing.

**Chapter One**

Let me tell you a story. Like all stories, it has a beginning and an end. The tough part is defining that beginning and that end, for life is just like a story that goes on and on, round and round, to the end of time – or is it just the beginning? I guess we'll never know. But that's part of the fun, isn't it? Going along for the ride, never knowing where we're going or when we'll get there or even if we're going in endless circles on an eternal merry-go-round.

'Never was there a story of more woe than this', is what I'd like to say, but I'm afraid that such a dramatic statement would be false. True woe originates from despair, and while my life isn't the happiest and I've been through some rough times, I've never once lost hope. Why, you ask? No particular reason. Just, life. If only you'd stop. Breathe. Open your eyes. And _see_. Not only with your eyes, but with your whole body, extend your senses and you'll _feel_ life breathing through your pores, as it is everywhere and permeates every _thing_ and the very air we breathe. Life is _us, _and that gives me hope. Hope for a new tomorrow. And as the poet Robert Frost once said, _life goes on._ So why wait? Life certainly won't wait for you to buck up, so the only thing to do when life knocks you down is to get back up and carry on.

My story begins here. Now. Perhaps a year ago. Or when I was born? Or when my parents were born? Maybe even as far back as when the universe was created. It hardly matters anyhow; I am here now. At this moment, I exist, and soon – in fifty years, ten years, a day, who knows? – I will cease to exist. But that time is not now, so let's say that my story is ongoing. However, it is punctuated by one key event:

A boy fell from the sky.

By happenstance **– **or was it fate?** –** he landed on me. All I heard was a cry of "HIEEEEE!" and saw a shadow looming over me before SMACK! – my head connected with the pavement and I knew no more.

I woke up in a hospital bed. Bland white walls stared me in the face. No sign of visitors then. Who was that idiot who fell on me, huh? Damn jackass needed to be put in his place.

A nurse bustled in. "Oh, you're awake. How's the head, dear? Good? Then you can go. Bye bye!" She turned to leave.

"Hold on! I cried in outrage. "You didn't even wait for me to answer! I could have brain damage for all you know! I demand to know what loser qualified you to be a nurse so that I can go kick their ass! And who brought me here?"

The nurse looked at me sternly. "I won't tolerate such foul language here, young lady! This is a hospital, there are patients trying to recover, which they can't do with you causing such a ruckus! If you can't behave I'll have to ask you to leave. You look healed anyway. Be gone!" She made shooing motions with her hands.

"Fine! See if I care! I'm outta this dump!" I jumped out of bed and stormed out of the room, trying to shoot laser beams out of my eyes at the staff who dared to stand in my way. _Bloody nurse out of hell, she'll feel my wrath someday. I'll bring this whole damn hospital to its knees._

As I was busy inspiring terror from the cowering masses, I failed to notice another, far greater source of terror heading my way until steel flashed before my eyes and I was sent flying back.

"God damn it," I grumbled, rubbing my sore backside, "this is the second time today. What is with you assholes! I'll fucking rip your eyes out!" I leapt up to do exactly as I said only to freeze at what I saw: Namimori Middle School uniform, silky black hair, slitted grey eyes, _a pair of tonfas held up in a battle stance. Shit it's Hibari._

_It's time to bullshit._ I plastered a wide smile on my face. "Hibari-senpai, old pal! How's it going? I didn't see you there! Please excuse me, I'm in a bit of a rush." I tried to edge past him but damn, these hallways were narrow.

Hibari blocked the way, "For disturbing the peace, I will bite you to death," and charged. Right. At. Me.

"Aaarrrgh!" I ran for my life.

The end.

Just kidding! Didn't I already tell you that there are no endings? I don't lie… much.

Let's flash forwards a couple of minutes. I managed to evade an enraged Nami-chuu prefect by running through the halls until I found a decent sized closet to hide in. Safe for now. But I needed an escape plan. My best bet was a diversion that would hopefully distract Hibari long enough for me to hightail it out of there. _He said he'd 'bite me to death' so does that mean he's a pervert?_ I let my gaze wander over the contents of the closet I was in, searching for anything useful. Something caught my eye. Aha! A malicious grin slid onto my face as a plan formed in my mind.

I carefully checked that the coast was clear before sneaking out of the closet. Phew, no Hibari. I couldn't let my guard down though, he could be anywhere and pop up anytime, so I needed to be ready. I crept down the halls, ignoring the strange looks I was receiving, to the reception, where Hibari was probably waiting.

And there he was, sharp eyes flickering to and fro, ready to pounce; the hospital personnel nervously going about their work, not stepping within ten feet of him. As soon as I entered his line of vision, he growled and stalked towards me but then did a double take.

"What… are you wearing?"

"Oh, do you like it, Kyoya dearest?" I sauntered forward in my impromptu skimpy outfit that consisted of bandages and, well, bandages. That was it. "I thought you would, you bad boy," I simpered, steadily advancing. I tried to move sexily, but it's hard when you're only wearing white hospital bandages over your private areas! You wiggle too much and it all comes loose. Streaking in a crowded hospital is a public embarrassment that I'd like to avoid, thank you very much (and no, walking around in only bandages doesn't count, this is for the sake of my survival, dammit!).

I tugged at the fabric that bound my breasts, exposing more skin. "You said you wanted to _bite_ me… so go ahead," I uttered breathlessly. Dear God, this was going to get me killed.

Meanwhile, Hibari looked like he was having an aneurysm. Uh-oh, time to hit the road.

"Oh my, look at the time," I said, looking at my imaginary watch on my wrist, used for precisely these types of occasions. "I really must be going. I'm sorry we won't have time to play. Maybe next time." I gave a last engaging smile before making a break for it.

I almost got through the automatic sliding doors! But the elation never got the chance to settle in; a blow to the shoulder sent me crashing to the ground.

"Aw fuck!"

An epic beat down, courtesy of Hibari, was the next order of business. As the pain became too great and my vision began to fade, I squinted up to see a smirking Hibari. My last words were, "Fucking tosser," then the world went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again, here's the second chapter of A Royal Beat Down. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't get a penny.

Rated T for swearing.

**Chapter Two**

Let us call this the middle.

Nah, I'm just messing with you. How can there be a middle if there's no beginning or ending? If you can twist logic in a way that it makes sense, I applaud you, but if not, please allow me to continue under the delusion that I'm intelligent. It does wonders for my ego, you see.

I thankfully didn't die from being 'bitten to death' by Hibari but I did have to spend a whole week in that dreadful dungeon they call a hospital and I believe I'm now on the nurses' hit list. Those bitches. As a gesture of gratitude for their care during that week, I left them a nice little surprise in my room. No I won't tell you what it was. You will hear their screams though. Ah, there they are; music to my ears.

I decided to go to the sea in the hope of benefitting from its supposed healing properties. So there I was sitting on the edge of a cliff, watching the waves crash against the rocks below. The water was a roiling mass of stormy gray, swirling round jagged rocks to form a white foam. The wind began to pick up; judging by those big clouds it was sure to rain soon.

My mind drifted to back to the sea, trying to uncover its secrets. I could just barely make out dark shapes under the water and if I looked in a certain way I could almost imagine that it was hiding things much more sinister than plain rocks and seaweed. _Dead bodies,_ for example. I shivered excitedly.

I caught a hint of movement out of the corner of my eye as I scanned the surface **–**was that a _body _in the water? I decided to get a closer look. I carefully climbed down the cliff – whoops! Almost slipped and fell to my death there – and once I got down I sharpened my gaze, zeroing in on the big and fleshy object that was swaying in the tide. Upon closer inspection it looked like the tip of a huge red tentacle. My eyes narrowed. Giant squids weren't purple and lived very, very deep and octopuses didn't grow to that size. _Something rotten is in the state of Denmark…_

All of a sudden, the tentacle shot out of the water, wrapped itself around my waist and raised me high into the air. I screamed and struggled to get free but with no success. "Noooo I don't wanna die! Physical assault! Tentacle rape! This thing has suction cups!" I cried hysterically.

I took out the hammer hidden up my sleeve – hey, I've learned my lesson since the Hibari Incident: always carry a weapon – and swung it with all my strength at the tentacle that held me. It sank into the squishy flesh but didn't seem to have much of an effect so I swung again and again and again until I heard a great and inhuman moan. The tentacle's grip didn't loosen, but something huge thrashed underwater until finally, the creature manifested itself.

To my shock, it was a giant red octopus. A very angry one, by the sound of it. I flinched when its keening wail reached my ears. God, it was loud. Talk about exaggerating, I didn't hit _that _hard. Wasn't there a mute button for this thing? It had some sort of metal armour so it had to have an owner somewhere. _Talk about irresponsible, letting it roam about attacking innocent young girls. And now I'm going to die. And I'm almost fully healed too. Juuuust great._

Throughout my internal tirade, the octopus continued to wail and wave me around like a rag doll. Hoping to intervene before my brains got scrambled, I yelled, "Hey you! Stop crying and suck it up, you great big lump of blubber! So it hurts a bit, big deal, take it like a man!"

That caught its attention. It stopped crying and set its angry green eyes on me, making me regret my harsh words and fear for my safety.

"Hey buddy, I mean you no harm, so, uh, why don't you just put me down?" I attempted to pacify the angry beast.

"Friend?" it asked in a low indistinct voice.

I gaped. It could talk?! The cephalopod mollusc of the order Octopoda of the kingdom Animalia of the domain Eukaryota could frickin' _talk?_ Something was _definitely_ rotten in the state of Denmark.

"Um, yeah. Friends. You and me," I said faintly.

It seemed to hesitate for a moment, then abruptly unwrapped its tentacle from around me, allowing me to fall through the air and land in a belly flop on the rocky beach. I lay there, stunned, before swearing up a storm as I laboriously got to my feet. I stared at the hulking figure before me. It stared back. _Okay, this silence is getting awkward._

"Did you know that the word 'octopus' has three plural forms?" I blurted.

"Oh? And what are they?" it asked, as eager as I was to break that awful silence.

"Octopuses, octopi and octopodes," I answered proudly. I know, I'm super smart, no need to be jealous, people.

"Wow, you must super smart to know that!"

I preened under the praise. _Of course I am!_

A tentacle smacked me in the face. "As if, you fucking asshole! What'd you hit me with that hammer for?"

The force of the blow sent me stumbling back. _That dickwad's gonna pay! _ "That hurt, bitch! And it was self-defense! How would you react if a ginormous monster attacked you out of the blue?"

The octopus recoiled with a gasp, its large eyes watering. "Y-you think I'm a monster? Am I really that hideous?"

"Hell yeah! I bet babies cry just by looking at your ugly mug!"

"Well you know what they say about crying babies," it said solemnly.

"What?"

"They're like promises."

"Huh?"

"Oh, the philistines I have to deal with! What is the world coming to?" it moaned.

"Okay, whatever."

"Fine," it snapped, "just forget it. Now go away, annoying human. I'm hungry and you're scaring away the crabs."

"_Fine, _I'm leaving," I huffed indignantly. I'd never met such a rude octopus.

"Right, before I forget. What's your name? I'm called Sekai," I spread my arms out wide and leaned back with dramatic flair, "like the world. Yep, that's me, _larger than life._"

The giant octopus rolled its eyes. "I'm Oodako." It then squirmed as if it were flustered. Wow. If it weren't already red in colour I would've sworn it had just blushed. Wait a second…

"Girl or boy?"

My new friend blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Are you a girl octopus or a boy octopus?"

Oodako appeared stumped. "Um… I don't know. What about you?"

I hummed pensively. "I'm pretty sure I'm a girl."

"Well, it's good that you know. I have to say I'm a little jealous," he/she admitted.

"Wait, you mean you don't know your own gender?" A shake of the head in response.

I shifted uncomfortably. "Look… Oodako… Don't let it get to you. I mean, if you're happy as you are, then… it doesn't matter that you don't know. Yeah! You're perfect as you are!" I finally encouraged.

"You- you really think so?" he/she sniffled.

"Absolutely," I affirmed with my most winning smile.

The octopus of unknown gender tentatively returned my smile and I felt my expression become more sincere.

It was the start of a beautiful friendship.

And then a red tentacle swung round and hurled me into the water.

But that's a story for another time so you'll just have to deal with not knowing what happened next.

Tough.


End file.
